


This Emptiness Would Feel the Same

by NarryEm



Series: Don't Wanna Hurt Anymore (you used to shine so bright) [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 11:56:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3380612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarryEm/pseuds/NarryEm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry didn’t mean for it to happen.  He can't let himself fall all over again when he’s not whole to begin with.  Because everything that falls breaks and he is sick of being broken and feeling empty all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Emptiness Would Feel the Same

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “No Angel” by Birdy.
> 
> Part three featuring heartbroken angst and some Harry and Nick friendship. I suggest that you read [Shining Distraction That Makes Me Fly](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3319556) before this and it doesn’t matter when you read [Never Deleting](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2287808) , not really.

 

 _“You and I, we’re forever,”_ he used to say. And Harry, eighteen and bright-eyed at everything in the world, believed him.

Fast forward six months and he turned out to be the one to make the very first scar upon Harry’s heart. It’s not unbroken anymore and it sure as hell has not mended completely. Empty days pass by, full of meaningless smiles that lead to shags, adding another nameless face to be cast into the void that he wants to fill.

It takes him years until he even allows for himself to start to be ready to let someone else into his heart. Nick was supposed to be a one-off but he wouldn’t let Harry take his own bloody clothes off just because he was fumbling with the buttons and his breath was saturated with cheap beer and some shots. Instead, Nick let Harry pour out his heartbreak story to him and patted his back.

In the morning, Harry almost thought that he and Nick had slept together but his current state of dress assured him otherwise. Nick turned out to be a valuable friend to have. Harry found comfort in knowing that Nick has experienced his fair share of heartbreaks and have done some of the breaking as well.

“Don’t think people ever truly get over their first love, though,” Nick muses as he pours them another glass of wine. It’s a weekend and as per their tradition, they are betting drunk on wine whose name Harry can’t pronounce. French, most likely.

“Ta,” he tilts his wine glass in a sarcastic salute. “That is exactly what I wanted to hear from my wise, older mate.”

Nick shoots him a glare. “But every relationship is another lesson learned, yeah? Maybe next time, don’t go after blokes who barely have time for you or don’t bother sending you texts every day or so. Falling is easy, but digging yourself out of whatever you’ve crawled into is ten times worse.”

Harry only glowers as he half-drains his glass.

He vows for the umpteenth time that he won’t let himself fall again.

 

 

-

 

 

There’s a week left until that wretched day and Harry is going to everything within his power to celebrate anything but romance.

Yup, Valentine’s Day is coming up.

He hates how the world he lives in values romantic love above all other kinds of love. Sure, the heady rush of being love can be exhilarating but there are other types of love that tend to hold out better than romantic love. Just look at the skyrocketing divorce rate. Love is overrated and Harry plans to stay happily and proudly single.

Which is exactly why he books out a restaurant for an anti-Valentine’s party. The restaurant is owned by Niall Breslin, the former footballer, and it’s got positive reviews. Servers and wait time looks good on the website and when he calls in, the manager recommends a specific time for his party. Harry does as he is told.

 

 

-

 

 

The party is a blessing and a curse all wrapped up with a ribbon on it. Harry can sum of the reason for both in one word name.

Niall is like the sun, Harry decides in the first few seconds that they meet. Sure, the smile he has on is one that comes from practice but the sparkle in his sky blue eyes are genuine. Harry finds himself rambling on about the silliest things and Niall smiles politely through it.

It’s painfully obvious that Niall is a people person. He thrives on the attention that Harry’s guests shower him with and Harry likes that about him. He likes hanging around people, sure, but he can never be as happy and carefree as Niall because that means letting down his guard. And letting his guard never bode well for Harry.

But that doesn’t stop him from giving Niall his number. Nor does that stop his heart from fluttering whenever he thinks about him.

 

 

-

 

 

“Don’t do it,” Nick pretty much orders him. Harry’s heard him use the same tone when talking to Pig, his dog.

“Why not?” Harry pouts, not unlike a petulant child. “Heal a broken heart with a new love, innit?”

Nick’s eyes soften. “I don’t think you’re ready yet, Haz. At any rate, you’ll end up hurting both of you. How’s that beneficial for anyone?”

Harry crosses his arms and stares Nick down. “You’re not the boss of me.”

Nick shrugs. “But I do know you best.”

Listening to advice as never been Harry’s forte.

 

 

-

 

 

They have opted for a low-key night. Niall is busy working on an outline for his paper anyway and Harry insisted that he come over even though Niall has told him that it’ll be boring.

“How long does it take to do an outline anyway?” Harry pouts. He wraps his arms around Niall’s biceps and practically clings to him and his chair.

Niall gives him a grim look. “For-fucking-ever if the said paper has to be ten pages minimum and I need to find three sources I might use for the actual thing. If you’re bored, go watch telly or summat. Isn’t _Doctor Who_ on right now?”

Harry kisses the side of Niall’s neck. “I’d rather watch _you_.”

A shiver runs down Niall’s spine and Harry doesn’t let up. He caresses Niall’s sides and slips his hand under the thin vest. Niall squirms and swats at Harry’s forearm.

“Bad boy,” Niall scolds him and types a few more words on the laptop. “This shit is due in two days and I need to work on something else tomorrow.”

“I’m your bad boy, though,” Harry smirks. He captures Niall’s earlobe in-between his teeth and tugs on it gently, garnering a light gasp. “And you know what they say about all work and no play. Besides, it’s psychologically healthy to take little breaks every now and then.” His hand slides down the waistband of Niall’s joggers this time and he is delighted to discover that Niall isn’t wearing any underwear.

“Harry,” Niall half-moans, head rolling back as Harry’s fingers curl around his still-soft cock. “I only need to do one more paragraph’s worth of planning. Can’t ya hold off for a few minutes?”

Harry shakes his head firmly. “Nope.”

He drops to his knees and crawls into the space under the desk so that he is kneeling in front of Niall’s crotch. He lowers the joggers just enough to bare Niall’s dick. He grasps the base of it and sucks the tip into his mouth and tongues the slit.

“Feckin’ ‘ell,” Niall breathes out as he glances down. He gulps noticeably. “You’re a menace.”

Harry pulls off and grins. “Go on, finish your outline like you said.”

“Bloody wanker,” Niall mutters.

It’s almost too easy, riling Niall up until he can’t take it anymore. Harry was about to start fingering himself when Niall pulls him up by his arms and kisses him senseless. The kiss is all tongue and teeth, coloured with desperation and lust. Harry kisses Niall back, matching all those things and lets Niall walk him to his bed. Once the backs of Harry’s knees hit the edge of the mattress, Niall pushes him down onto it and hovers over him. It should look comical, the way Niall’s joggers are pulled halfway down his arse. But it only fuels the fire that is burning its way through Harry’s veins and, fuck, Harry wants more.

Harry pops his fingers into his mouth and makes a show out of sucking on them, slurping and moaning as if he were sucking on Niall’s dick. He then kicks off his trousers and spreads his legs wide so that Niall can see as he teases himself before pushing a fingertip inside.

Niall mutters something too low for Harry to decipher and his weight is gone for a few seconds before he returns with a bottle of slick. The blond coats his fingers with liberal amounts of it before he slides in his own finger alongside Harry’s. Niall’s fingers are slightly thicker than Harry’s, callused from years of playing the guitar. Harry enjoys the feeling of his rough fingertips rubbing at his insides almost too much because he comes too fast when Niall fingers him.

“Wanna come with you inside me,” he rasps, managing to pull off a coy tone.

“Yeah?” Niall grunts, another finger breaching Harry’s hole and slamming into his prostate.

“Pretty please?” Harry asks, canting his hips down to keep Niall’s fingers nestled against that spot.

“Alright.”

Niall pulls his fingers out and Harry follows suit. Harry’s heartbeat pounds in his ears as Niall retrieves a condom and puts it on. He hugs his knees to his chest and Niall kisses him tenderly. Niall enters him slowly, pausing every inch or so and giving Harry ample time to get used to the stretch of it all. It’s sweet, how Niall waits until Harry tells him to move again; it’s something that Harry can never get used to. It’s nothing like how things were with _him_.

Niall’s face is faintly illuminated by the laptop screen set across the room. His eyes are shining with an emotion that’s deeper than lust or adoration and it scares Harry.

So he distracts himself by fucking back onto Niall and raking his fingers down Niall’s pale back. He lets himself get lost in the sensations that only Niall can spark within him and lets go of his thoughts and memories.

Because he is still crippled by his past and he can’t let Niall see that.

 

 

-

 

 

“I’m always the first one to admit that I’m reckless,” Niall admits with a self-deprecating laugh. “I can’t help that I love bein’ around people and I’ll be that dude who jumps into relationships head first, fearless and all naïve.”

Harry freezes. He can’t process the fact that Niall just invited him to come to Ireland and meet his family. That’s a huge step and something that Harry has never done.

“I don’t think it’s naïve, per se,” Harry manages. He drums his fingertips on Niall’s forearm to try and focus his thoughts. Niall shifts his arm away with a playful smile.

“Then what am I?” Niall inquires.

Harry picks up Niall’s right hand with both of his and raises it to his lips. “My Nialler,” he replies. It’s the blatant truth, isn’t it? He turns Niall’s hand over in his hands and brushes his lips on the palm. He flips it back over and repeats the action, but to his ring finger instead. “Mine and mine only.”

“I love you,” Niall blurts. “Shit! I mean—fuck, I love that you think I belong with you?”

Harry laughs, only to hide the way his heart has turned to lead. “Why’re you worried? You know I love you.” _Lies, lies, lies,_ his mind whispers.

“Y-you do?” Niall chokes out.

“Mm-hmm,” Harry hums.

He is doomed.

 

 

-

 

 

Weaselling his way out of visiting Niall’s family is easy. All he has to do is fake being ill and he has Niall doting over him. But he knows that it’s wrong of him to have lied about it so he makes up for it by going to Ireland for a weekend a few weeks afterwards. Niall doesn’t see it but Harry can see the way Bobby’s eyes dart between the two of them with a fond smile on his lips. Same with Maura and Niall’s nan.

That’s how he knows that this has got to stop before he falls as well. Because everything that falls breaks and Harry can’t afford to be broken further.

 

 

-

 

 

It’s harder than he had thought, blowing off Niall’s texts and calls so that they don’t see each other for a while. And every time he lies to Niall, his heart squeezes almost painfully.

Why?

 

 

-

 

 

Harry knows that it’s the final straw, not showing up to Niall’s birthday. If were a true boyfriend, or even cared about Niall at all, he would have been there. He should have been there. That was probably the moment that Niall knew.\

He doesn’t realise that he is in Niall’s room at one-fifty-eight in the bloody morning until his eyes focus on Niall’s prone form. His entire body is quaking underneath he covers and he must have made a sound because Niall sits up. When his eyes adjust to the darkness surrounding them, his lips curl up in a disdainful snarl.

“What?” Niall demands.

“I knew I shouldn’t have done it,” Harry blurts out. “I shouldn’t have asked you out the first time we met or kept it going after that. I’m not cut out for this.”

“Cut out for what? Being a decent human being who respects other people’s feelings?” Niall growls. He climbs out of bed and shoulders past Harry gruffly. He slams the door open and gestures for Harry to leave.

“I never meant to hurt you, I never did,” Harry pleads. “Sometimes I wished that we were strangers so that I wouldn’t have to know your pain. Remember all the things you told me? All the memories that we made? I’m sorry that I can’t be the one who stays.”

“Fuck. You,” Niall shoves at Harry’s shoulders. “Did you ever really love me? Did you fear letting go? I was ready to give you everything, my heart, my soul, my body as long as you could promise not to go away. To hell with that!”

“Niall, I—” Niall doesn’t give him a chance to finish. He draws his fist back and swings it full-force into Harry’s jaw. Blood seeps into Harry’s mouth and he licks at it absentmindedly. Niall turns his face away but Harry catches the sight of fresh tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.

Harry swallows. Then, after a deep breath, he utters: “Goodbye, Niall.”

He exits Niall’s flat in a hurry. Then he runs. The memory of Niall’s tears haunts him and his heart clenches. It feels like his own broken heart is strung out across the ground and he is sprinting on them.

“It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault,” he chants, words choked up from his own tears. “It’s _his_.”

He is stood in a park by the time his head clears. The look on Niall’s face, painted with sadness, betrayal, and love, it burns in Harry’s memories and he hates himself for it.

Rain comes pouring down and Harry laughs at how fitting it is. Maybe the rain can wash away his pain, clean the jagged scars on his heart and hold the shattered pieces together.

Not able to bear the thought spending the night alone, Harry walks over to Nick’s flat. Nick doesn’t bother asking if he’s okay; he simply guides Harry to the bathroom and helps him dry off. There’s a cuppa waiting for Harry in the kitchen when he stumbles out of the bathroom with a towel slung around his neck along with some clothes.

“I broke up with him,” Harry declares into the still night air. Nick only nods.

“And are you sure that you’re alright with it?” Nick asks. Harry sips the tea and savours the way the warmth trickles down his throat.

“I don’t know.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sure if I should write a fourth part or not. I feel like if I do that, this is going to resemble [Broken Like a Promise 'verse](http://archiveofourown.org/series/69433) where Niall comes sweeping in to 'fix' up Harry's broken heart and self-esteem.


End file.
